This was originally posted on Twitter:
"On 4 Nov, I'll reach my second anniversary of streaming on Twitch. On 10 Nov, I'll turn twenty-seven years old. Today, I sit in an uncomfortable office chair I don't own and contemplate my mortality until one thought grinds everything to a halt.
I think I want to give up on being great (at least, for now).
It doesn't mean I don't want to be good. I still want to grow and learn and do cool things, but I want to give up on the idea of being great. Because this year I thought I was getting really close. I felt the yellow brick road under the soles of my feet, spotted the emerald city in the distance, and all the while, I was absolutely fucking miserable.
I think it's the folly of youth, and doubly the folly of creative people, to want to achieve greatness that will outlast you. Even as you trade away everything but the two feet that keep you standing; even as you realise you have spent more time exhausted than you have spent feeling like a person this year. How ironic that nothing has robbed me of more life than the idea of outliving myself.
But I won't bore you with longwinded lessons about drinking water and sleeping more. (Chances are if you're reading this, you struggle more with the doing than the knowing.) Instead, I'll tell you what I want to do next.
I want to reground myself in excitement and passion. I want to be known as the person who is in love with more things than she can count. I want to be selfish. I want to write more. I want to stop denying myself leisure because it doesn't contribute to a greater purpose. And somewhere along those lines, I want to begin creating again.
Guess that's a pretty good birthday gift. Happy 27th, Nat."